What THEY Don't Tell You About......

Phil Ossifer

There are a lot of self-help guides out there in these times of War & Pestilence and I felt it was time that I weighed in (all 65kgs of me) with some timely advice for my many confused readers.

Sorry, folks, but I am taking the liberty of assuming you are currently confused based upon the fact that you are reading this. If you are not confused, then maybe you should read this to ensure that you are, as it is not cool to be unconfused… er disconfused… ah fuck it, not confused will do.

Anyway, there are two categories that seem to have been missed by all these self-help columns, although that was unlikely to be an accident as they probably wrote those guides.

The first category I would like to address is Social Media so I guess that would be one of those .com addresses, but that’s not important right now.

The thing about Social Media is that it is often very anti-social which seems a silly thing to say because why would your Father’s sister be involved. But that’s not important right now.

Are where was I? Oh yes what they don’t tell you about Social Media.

1. It is often anti-social (I think we have already established that)

2. It contains viruses that can worm their way into your computer and nest in your brain and cause untold damage (which means they won’t tell you about it)

3. It contains tracking devices that will track your every movement, which means you will never be able to feel comfortable again when going to the toilet or composing a symphony.

4. It steals your opinions and makes you follow the party line (which is a very old tech version of the mobile phone for all the millennials out there.)

5. It steals your data by means of mandates that it has written into its terms of service thus taking away your choice, which makes me wonder why those anti vacuuming people use it so much.

But Social Media is just one area that you po’ confused folks are not being told about by them.

By this stage you are probably wondering who they are.

They are the Conspiracy Theorists and they are the second category you are not being told enough about. If you are not familiar with these people, then let me describe them so that you can recognise them and avoid them at all costs.

First of all, they are not human; at least not entirely human as we understand it. They are the result of some fiendish genetics work pioneered by a secret society which I can’t tell you the name of because I have been sworn to secrecy. And boy, can those mothers swear!

Anyway, what I can tell you about the make-up of this secreting mob is that they exclusively use Thin Lizzy, but that’s not important now.

This secreting society is made up mostly of extra-terrestrials (over and above the usual terrestrials), and secret hand-shakers along with a few Deep State personnel and a random bunch of escaped loonies.

Most of them have had a few genetic modifications made so that they look vaguely human and would generally be able to enter most establishments frequented by what few of us of pure human blood remain alive today.

You are probably unaware that most of the world’s population has been secretly killed off and replaced by these replicants. It is difficult to tell them apart from the rest of us until they open their mouths. It is then that their reptilian tongues can give them away, although some have had alterations made to those so that they are not quite so noticeable. However, when they speak there is little doubt to those with a trained eye. If you don’t have a trained eye then you should get yourself hooked up with an eye trainer, but make sure the hooks aren’t the sort that will rent your flesh as that can be very unattractive, but that is not important now.

Some of you will probably pick up the difference when they speak by using your ears rather than your eyes and this is also a good way to do it which does away with the need for all those nasty hooks.

So, what are the signs to listen for? Well obviously they will be audio signs otherwise you wouldn’t hear them. But then again you may have done the whole hooks thing and be listening with your eyes, so there may be visual signs as well.

The signs, whether audio or visual (or even audio-visual) will say (or read), “My Freedumb is being taken away from me, (and as an afterthought so is yours)” and “I am being forced to take drugs that will destroy my brain or kill me (I’m not sure which)” and “ I should be allowed to do what I want even if it harms others” and “Teacher, leave our kids alone” and “Kilroy was here” (usually carried by the more senior Conspirators) and “It is all a conspiracy”.

Of course, none of these are correct apart from the last one. They just put that there to confuse you all the more. But that’s not important now.

Hopefully you can now claim to be de-confused, but if not, then contact me and I will recommend a secret potion and a course of brewsters that should do the trick, at an exorbitant, I mean reasonable price.